Surfing Thru Life

The only picture I have of my father and I

I was twelve years old when I met my father. I can still see it as if it were yesterday. We were meeting at a hospital, taking blood tests that would determine if I was his son or not, because he had denied it after my mother had finally asked him for some help. I remember the bright white floors of the hospital that were reflecting the track lighting of the ceilings, as I turned the corner and saw him standing in the middle of the hall several yards away. As I reached him he extended his arm and offered me his hand, I shook it. I don’t remember what was said, or how long we stood there, but I never saw or heard from him after that day.

When I was sixteen years old my Mom and I moved up to Boise Idaho, and I started getting involved in my Native American heritage. My aunt Mij was visiting us and she had met some folks that told her about a pow-wow that was happening just outside of town. She worked it out to where I could go and do some work to help get the grounds ready for the celebration, in exchange they would provide me with shelter, food, and I could attend the event. I was sixteen, it was summer  time, I didn’t know a soul in Boise, and I could bring my dog?.. I’m in!

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Usually the dark side of a situation is where one learns the most. In my last blog I walked you through a beautiful moment in my life, now I’d like to tell you about the other side of that fairy tale. A moment in the story where I experienced fear, rage and isolation. It was the most stressful day I’ve had since I can remember, maybe in my life.

Beautifully dark

When I proposed to Mayana and put the rings on her fingers, they were too big for her tiny digits.. Sweet. Even though I had them sized before I left California, still not small enough. I put the word out to my Brazil homies to see if anyone knew a jeweler that could hook it up, but there wasn’t. With Mayana excited to wear the symbols of love that I had just given her, I searched for a place that could do it. Someone had suggested I head downtown where there were many jewelers that could easily take care of the sizing that needed to be done, “but be careful”, they said, “this is Brazil.” With the rings handy, we hopped on a bus as soon as Mayana got off work and headed to the city center.

Sure enough, when we got there we saw MANY jewelry stores and jewelers that were more than happy to take care of the rings for us. We went to several, feeling out the energy of each one so we could have some comfort leaving the rings with them. After talking to about 7 or 8 shops we decided on one that we felt the most comfortable with. The lady we talked to was very nice and we both thought we were safe having them take care of our precious family treasures. The shop was closing soon after we arrived and they didn’t have time to do it then, so we would have to wait until Monday, and the best time to get it done was late morning or early afternoon, which meant that I’d be going alone.

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The first time I went to Brazil I had no idea what was about to happen, the change that was about to occur. I had always wanted to go to that beautiful and enchanting country, I never knew why, but something about it was calling me there. I landed on Christmas Eve and was supposed to stay until January 3^rd, but on the 2^nd I changed my flight because I hadn’t seen what I needed to see yet, I didn’t know what it was I just knew I couldn’t leave just quite yet. I definitely had thrown caution to the wind by changing my ticket without knowing if I could get the time off of work, didn’t know if we could find another place to stay during our extension, but I didn’t care, I was staying and that’s all there was to it.

The night we met, trying to talk

We hadn’t gone to a samba club during our stay and there was no way I was going leave without that experience. The same afternoon we had changed our flights, my cousin Ramey and I were grabbing some lunch at our favorite café when we met a couple of other Americans sitting near us that told us about a samba club that was close to where we were staying. It was going down two days later, and we were not going to miss it.

Ramey and I showed up around 10:30, really early for Brazilian standards, ate a cachorro quente(hot dog) that was cooked in the back of a VW bus that had been converted into a mini taco truck, and headed up to the dance floor. Shortly after we got our first drink I spotted the girl that I wanted to talk to, dancing with her friends across the dance floor. It was one of those moments where everything else started to blur into nothingness and all I could see was this beautiful angel that had obviously fallen from the sky to capture my heart, and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

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One of my favorite aspects of traveling is the new perspectives I always fly away with.  If I’m fortunate enough to have all my lucky stars line up just right, and I get to stay for several weeks or several months at a time, hallelujah, the more I get to know the culture and all the rich gems of variation they offer.  For most of my trips, I’ve had the privilege of staying with the locals, and that has given me the chance to get a true feel of the people, environment, food, beer, surf, way of life.  It’s a much different experience from staying in hotels, which I find feel the same around the world.

Party at the fabrica with my new friends and family. Eu amo voces, estou com saudade! Italia Sorvetes, best ice cream in Brazil!

I recently returned from the longest trip of my life.. so far.  A nine week stay in a country where I was exposed to pure love, strong family, great food, ice cold beer, piranha, crocodiles, rain for days, raging rivers, lightening storms, happy tears of hello, sad tears of farewell, and let me not forget all the phenomenal surf I scored the last six of those weeks.  Ever since I was twelve years old, I can remember wanting to go to this country, something was telling me that I needed to go there some day, and last December it finally happened.  Brazil is paradise! Since that first trip I’ve been back two times with the last trip lasting nine weeks.  Those are entire blog entries on their own.  Right now I would like to share a lesson I learned after coming home.

The descent from heaven back to earth is always a tough adjustment for me, obviously, but this trip was particularly brutal, on all levels.  The lifestyle I created for myself was just magical, and the people I had the privilege of staying with were unforgettable.

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A few years ago, I had an experience that made my life flash in front of my eyes, and it changed my future forever.  Except it was no flash, it was in slow motion, a very detailed movie of my life.  It was exhilarating as well as heart breaking all at the same time.  I went from laughing to crying back to laughing and then right back to bawling, it was quite the emotional roller coaster.  I saw all my loved ones and re-experienced many great moments, saw the people that I had hurt and wished I could go back and give them a hug and apologize for how I had made them feel.

No matter how big the vessel or how difficult it may be to operate, grab it with both hands and take control. It’s bound to be a bumpy road, but one thing I’ve learned is this: I usually get car sick less if I’m driving.

I realized, that night, the only thing we take with us when we pass on is our memories.  Not our family, our wardrobe, cars, house, dog, cat, back accounts, none of it.  Just the memory of them.  I had been given a gift, the opportunity to look back on my life before it was ending.  Which gave me the chance to decide what I wanted to cultivate and what I wanted to let go of, what was helping me and what was harming me, see my good qualities and flinch at my not so good habits.

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Creating this blog has confirmed many things that I believe were essential in obtaining the life I love, and this entry is yet another example.  Independence has definitely been the captain on my voyages through the rough waters of early adulthood.  I’ve come to realize that if I want to do something, no matter what it is, it’s best if I just do it, and not wait for anybody else to either help me or do it with me.

Here I stand, on my own, naked and vulnerable to the elements, with strong roots of self-reliance, limbs spread to welcome the changing seasons, ready to face the next step of my evolution.

Over the years I’ve spent way too much time waiting for others to join me in doing the things that I’ve wanted to do.  Looking back, it sounds ridiculous to say what I just said, but it was true.  It was like I needed them in order for me to get off my ass and do what I knew needed to be done in order for me to get what I wanted.  Again, sounds dumb, I know, but that’s the way it was for me, for many years.  I remember getting so enraged at a friend of mine one day, for not doing what I wanted to do and I had been waiting for him, that I actually yelled at him, calling him all sorts of names.  Then I realized that it was my dream, not his, and I went out and did it.

In hindsight, I now know that I was projecting on my poor friend, sorry homeboy, you know I love you, and I was actually yelling at myself for not doing what I had told myself I would do.  Such a peculiar thing we do, projection.  It has caused much grief in my life, breaking up relationships, putting space in between me and my loved ones, and countless numbers of feelings that I’ve hurt over the years, all because I saw in others what I didn’t like about and what I couldn’t see in myself.  But that’s a whole other blog entry on my list, let’s get back to independence.

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A seemingly endless lesson is that of practicing non-attachment.  I’ve been practicing for several years now and I still catch myself desperately holding onto “stuff” all the time.  It’s a wonderful feeling when you can let go of something and not suffer any pain over it.

A lil story I’d like to share with you to convey the importance of non-attachment:

I got off the plane, all hyped up to start my 3 week long surf trip, to see an odd shape in my board bag. When I opened it up this is what I saw.. sweet! The board on top was brand new, that I had made, and the board on bottom was shaped by the best, Filipe Ferreira of Ipsylon.

A mentor/friend of mine, Corey Allen, has been living in a retirement home for several months now after losing his house to a fire.  He’s up there in age, and suffers from a mild case of dimensia, so he has to stay in a special area of the center that has locks on the doors for fear of the occupants deciding to walk out of the front door.

First, a lil bit about Corey, he has had an amazing life and career.  Starting off as an actor in the 50’s, he worked for several years in theater, film and television with his debut film role in REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE.  Switching to the directors chair in the 60’s, he worked as creator, director and producer in MANY different TV shows and films up till the 90’s, winning EMMYS, Directors Guild awards, instructing acting classes and workshops,  as well as being presented with an honorary Doctorate of Humane Letters from Columbia College-Hollywood for his help in shaping the minds and careers of the future directors and producers of the industry.  Including my good friend, Shaun Greenspan, who is a definite up and coming director/producer, and a fellow surfer, who I’ve had the pleasure of working with on numerous occasions, keep the dream alive brother!  Look Corey up on IMDB, his credits go for miles.

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One of my favorite and most valued items, besides chocolate, of course, by far, is my passport.    The passport has taken me to great new lands and brought special things into my life, that I enjoy frequently, therefore enhancing it.  Beer’s up there too, but that’s all because of my passport as well, I didn’t truly start enjoying the taste of beer until I started traveling and trying different flavors and appreciating what beer has to offer.

Simply.. Nirvana.

I can’t believe I didn’t get a passport sooner than I did.  The freedom, the adventure.. those 2 words alone are enough for me.  I’ve literally gone on a few trips that came to me last minute and if I didn’t have my passport ready to fly, then I wouldn’t be flying anywhere.  It’s the first step you take if your at all interested in venturing out and seeing how other people live their lives in different parts of the world.  I know that’s an obvious statement, but I once heard that 10% of Americans have passports.  Only 10% have the capability to cross borders let alone actually do it.  Be uncommon, see the world.

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The most difficult  question I’ve ever asked myself, ironically, was “what do I want?”.  It sounds like an easy question, I know, but it’s actually a tough one.  I’m not talking about what do I want for lunch, I’m talking about what do I want to achieve in this life.  To answer that question takes a tremendous amount of honesty with ones self as well as commitment.  Before, I had always had the idea that I thought I knew what I wanted, thought I was on the right track to achieving my goals.  But I was just fooling around, never fully committing, putting the responsibility on a higher power, allowing the chips to fall where they will.  Simply, I was trying, not doing.

From dream to fruition.

When I asked myself for the first time, “what do I want?”, I couldn’t come up with an answer.  I was stunned!  How could I not know what I want?  The truth is, I knew what I wanted, I just wasn’t able to commit all of my time and energy out of fear.  Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of loss, fear of humiliation.  The list goes on but the important part is the common denominator, fear.  I decided that I was no longer going to allow fear to stop me from obtaining what I wanted in life.  I was no longer going to allow fate to conduct the orchestra of my life, I was going to take charge and be the creator of my own destiny.

So what if others think I’m weird, we’re all weird.  So what if I don’t get what I want, at least I tried.  So what if I feel alone on my quest, that feeling won’t last long.  If I keep my focus on the finish line instead of the hurdle in front of me, chances are I’ll trip.  And one thing’s for certain, life has plenty of hurdles one has to look out for, and by keeping your attention on each one you are most likely going to get to the finish line not only sooner, but with less scars.

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About three and a half years ago I went through a major shift in my life that changed me forever.  I was going through a rough time, work was getting to me, my relationship was on the way out, I was questioning my path, my health wasn’t what it once was, I was doubting pretty much everything around me.  Knowing I wasn’t a reader, my cousin gave me a book on CD titled “The Language of Archetypes” by Caroline Myss.  He told me to listen to it while I sat in traffic and let him know if I had any questions.  It took me about a week to start listening to it, but once I started I couldn’t stop.  I highly suggest checking it out, even for a good read, or if your like I was, for a good listen.

After that first book, you’ll never find me without something to read. Anything you could ever want to learn, is only a book store away.

Archetype (Jungian psychology): A pattern of thought, present in an individual’s unconscious, inherited from the past collective experience of humanity.

The first thing she describes is the four archetypes that we all share – child, victim, prostitute, and saboteur.  When I first heard this I thought, ok, child and victim for sure, saboteur maybe, but prostitute.. no way, I don’t sell my body, that’s ridiculous.  But when she described each in detail, it was the prostitute that hit home the hardest.  In a nut shell, the prostitute sells a part of themselves in order to make others happy, not necessarily their body, but a part of their souls, and it was true for me.  So true that when I listened to that part of the book I was on my way home, and when I got home I turned off the car and sat in my garage, listening to what she was saying, with tears pouring out of my eyes because she nailed it, I had been selling a part of my soul all this time and I didn’t even know it.

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